I am sure that when you start reading this tittle, all sorts of thoughts pop in your head. It’s still not click-bait, if you’re wondering — this actually is a piece about pcos, periods and relationships and I am still wondering what can go wrong and I am going to propose my thesis to you very soon.
So, pcos. If you have ever met me, you know that I have a beard and if you haven’t met me, I’ve probably told you about it in a plethora of times. Well, PCOS it’s not just owning a beard — it’s losing parts of your hair and missing periods and while you’re missing them every day feels like you’re pregnant — your emotions go very haywire, in one moment you want to eat a hippo and all of Joe Exotic’s zoo, but at another you just feel like going in a pit and crying your heart out because they’re out of your favorite brand of snacks.
Yes. It sounds very wild and it is. It makes my whole life a godamn rollercoaster and today’s one was so big as it hasn’t been in 3 years and I was only 7 days late. Just for comparison, last time I felt this bad was when my period was missing 80 days. Double yes, you read that right. 80 days.
It was a day filled with a lot of crying — tbh half of the day because I was trying to write this and this was not even close to easy to write and this is probably my third take on this subject. A day filled with a really big argument with hints of “ending things” of a relationship that has actually not even started. One of those days where you just need a bottle of wine and 3 KFC burgers.
If you’re asking yourself was it really that bad, I may be a drama queen and answer with a 100% yes because this day was very emotionally exhausting. Why was it so bad though?
Enter period. After 7 days of panicking, feeling my body entering the I WANT A PERIOD AND I WILL MAKE IT A LIVING HELL UNTIL YOU GET IT phase, my period decided to show up and let me know that in fact things are not even that bad.
I mean they are bad, but like, uh, they can be worse. Or at least that’s how I comfort myself.
Periods bring even more emotions in an even bigger time-window. And, finally enter boyfriend. Or, future-boyfriend because things are not official and after today god knows if they will be.
Periods do bring out the worst in me. I am such a big mess and I yell and I am sad 15 minutes later. For someone who has never met a person suffering from PCOS, that can be a lot. As you can imagine from the tittle that was the case here.
We had a fight about food and money. It took me a really short time to notice that things are not dandy. Truth be told, things are not dandy for a week now maybe. I don’t know if the reason is me being absolutely crazy from the hormones and all that (because I do notice a difference) or is maybe something greater in plan.
However, me being my pushy, insecure self, sought the truth and at first I was very afraid of what I discovered. But, here is one thing you need to understand about this guy — he is determined, probably more than I ever give him credit. So, being the way he is, after me asking 3 times whether he wants a break from something that hasn’t even officially started, he very decisively said no, “he wants to see where this is going”.
Today very much revolved around my insecurities. It was a day where I had to wake up reminded that life for me will never be as easy as for the rest of the women. Even thinking about this makes me open up all the windows in the room and just breath deeply before the waterworks starts.
Us women with PCOS are reminded every day that we are different. We are reminded of that every single time we look ourselves in the mirror, every single time we feel abnormally crazy, anxious or just in pain from having a period well due behind or the lack of.
Every time we look ourselves we are reminded of our differences to normal women. We have to gulp and face the stares of other men and women who wonder why we have facial hair. It took me two takes to explain to the guy I am dating why I actually need 3 KFC burgers today and no, I wasn’t mentally needing them, but actually felt physical hunger. Women who have been on very strong contraceptive pills like me know what I am talking about.
And as a woman with PCOS you always wonder are they suddenly going to leave. Normal women and men have doubts and commitment issues now add “I have to deal people staring at my beard on a daily basis even though I shave every day” to those insecurities. You always tell yourself they haven’t left but there’s always the tinniest of voices, one tiny voice that always looms in the back of your head just constantly repeating the word “yet” like it’ s a broken record.
However, I may say that I am lucky, at least for now. I am lucky because I have someone as decisive as him by my side and because the years do actually teach you to deal with shitty PCOS. And although I am very far from accepting myself (trust me if you had a beard you would be too) I am making progress. For now, I am happy and tonight I promised myself I will stop self-sabotaging myself with overthinking and pushing him away.
Because that’s what PCOS people do. We are afraid that we are not worthy of love and we push people away so we could tell ourselves the thing we so deeply believe and that is that no one should go through this. Although, reality might be a bit different — no one should go through PCOS, ALONE. We all need support and right now I am dating a guy who literally doesn’t give a flying fuck about my beard.
As far as I know those are keepers. Sure, PCOS will continue being supper shitty to me, I am aware of that, but having someone to rant about it and someone who looks at you as if you are a million dollars (or in his terms the newest video game) it’s easy to deal with PCOS, periods and relationships.