The grey area. We all have heard and know that gray has never symbolized anything good (okay, maybe with the exception of Mr. Gray hehe). Grey has always been a sad, cold color. It has always symbolized uncertainty and everything indefinite. The only thing worse than black is gray.
But is gray actually such a bad thing?
Recently, I have been struggling with a creative block in writing and speaking. If you didn’t know I have a podcast where I talk about everything self-related – productivity, mental health etc. and I haven’t put out a new episode in over two weeks.
Well, because I struggle in that gray zone of uncertainty – is what I want to say and what my audience wants to hear the same? Does it align with my values? So, as you can hear and note, this is the form of overthinking that took up in my head.
Then, I also ended my supposed relationship with a guy I never met in real life. Partly because of corona. Because Soph is a person that wants things her way. Partly because she posed an ultimatum that wasn’t supposed to be there. Partly because he is undecisive.
So, instead of letting it consume me, I did what every jobless 22-year old would do – hit the beach.
And I hit the beach a plethora of times. Man, I hit the beach that I got tanned in 3 days! And yes, I took my time and thought about a lot of things from a real point perspective.
Then, I did the only thing 22-year olds rarely do – talked to my mother. One thing my mother does is own a business and still have a healthy work-life balance. So, she was the perfect person to ask for an opinion.
Although I kind of solved my creative block idea *yes, a new episode is coming soon, I promise* I didn’t solve my love life, so mother was a perfect choice.
It’s hard for me to solve anything right now, especially my love life. I mean if you had a global pandemic on your hands you’d probably think the same. Oooh, wait. You do. We all do.
Navigating how to live in a pandemic is the new normal we need to get used to. Having a long-distance-never-met relationship is even worse. I don’t know how to navigate this and neither does he. We broke up. He went away. Came two weeks later as if nothing happened. Kind of.
The conversation lasted barely 10 minutes (compared to 10 hours on video chat) and it was very stiff. Every day from that moment on it’s just isn’t the same. For him, it’s normal. For me, it’s not. It’s complicated.
It feels like torture. It’s torture to talk to him. Yet, not talking to him, although it is a choice we both made – I realized that I do not care in what way he is in my life – I just want him there.
And sure, I said I want a relationship, but does that mean I know how to be in one? Fuck no. No 22-year old knows how to be in one. Or at least, that’s my point of perspective. Does he want a relationship? I don’t think so. Does he miss me? I am sure of that. But, like do I want a relationship with him? Adono.
We never said we wanted a relationship with one another. We wanted a thing. And we’re two 22-year olds who have the right to live life to the fullest. We have the right to not know what we want. It’s okay we’re young as hell. I was okay with what we had until I got burnt with the desire to see him. After 4 attempts to make it work, it didn’t.
So what will we do? Nothing. Stay in the grey area as much as possible? Yes. Why?
Well, talking to my mother – a 52-year old woman with 2 kids, a career, and a biochem degree, she came to the conclusion in her years of experience that conversations don’t solve shit and more importantly the best you can do is stay in the grey area. Especially with men.
She said: “Sofija, if it’s yours it will come to you, and if not it will slowly start to fade and it will hurt less and less as its progressing until it is ultimately gone and you’re happy. You can’t force people into making choices – it’s not fair to them or to you as well.”
Me, a very black or white person, hated this answer, even more so, despised the nature of the whole conversation because in a way I knew she was right. I hate it when people are right. Especially my mother.
What kind of answer was that?! Like seriously. No 22-year old wants to hear “good things come to those who wait. ” Especially not this one. Not this anxious, overthinking “I want everything to be my way” 22-year-old.
But Mirjana (yes, that’s my mom’s name) thinks that the more you talk about things the more problems show up. So how does she solve things? She lets them be. Even if it slowly kills her. Because there is a special type of art of waiting. Of letting things be.
Such an art that I do not know of. But it’s time for me to learn it. It’s time for me to get comfortable to be in the grey area.
I got so comfortable with having control that I do not know how to be without it. I have no idea how to live life and just let go. Especially if there’s someone who needs to make a decision. Usually, I make the decisions for them. But, that’s not healthy.
I need to be a Schrodinger and let the cat be. If I do not open the box, there is both possibilities – an alive cat and a dead cat. Just like that – If I have a conversation with my supposed ex it might kill what there is and if I don’t things will resolve themselves – whether he comes back or whether he leaves for sure.
So, right now, I am getting used to the grey area. To uncertainty and what it may bring my way. It not be the best way, but it’s a way I have never tried before. So, it’s worth my time. Also, fuck it. I ain’t got a lifetime to figure out what another person wants. I do not predict the future nor read minds.